Key takeways

• Nonviolent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1970s. It is based on principles of nonviolence and aims to improve communication and increase empathy.
• NVC consists of four components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR). These components help individuals express themselves authentically and resolve conflicts effectively.
• Practicing NVC at work has several benefits, including improved communication, enhanced conflict resolution, positive workplace culture, stronger relationships, increased employee engagement, increased productivity, innovation and creativity, personal growth, enhanced leadership, and a positive organizational reputation.
• Foster a culture of empathy, active listening, and cultural sensitivity to enhance nonviolent communication at work.

Article

When Satya Nadella became the CEO of a toxic culture at Microsoft, one of his first actions was to give his senior leadership team copies of Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication. A way of communicating and connecting with people from a place of empathy, NVC has been used in global hot spots, corporations, parenting and schools to help navigate conflict and deepen connection. 

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication framework that helps people to connect with themselves and others through empathy, and communicate using a four-stage process of observation, identifying feelings, identifying needs, and making requests. 

EMPATHY AT THE CORE

Empathy is core to NVC, starting with self-empathy and self-awareness to identify internal feelings and underlying needs while interrupting habitual processes of blame and judgement. The same empathetic approach is then used to engage with others, supporting practitioners to be present and listen compassionately. From there, NVC encourages you to identify requests that can address your underlying needs and those of the people you’re engaging with. 

A SIMPLE STATEMENT STRUCTURE

Whether applied to yourself with self-empathy or to others through empathy, the four elements of NVC can be summarised in the following statement, though they do not have to be expressed this way: 

When <observation>, I feel <feeling> because I’m needing some <universal needs>. Would you be willing to <request>? 

KEY ELEMENTS IN DETAIL

Let’s break each element down in a little more detail: 

Observation: avoiding emotive evaluation, judgement or even analysis. Observation is focused on neutral statements about the facts of what has happened and what is triggering the conflict or situation. 

E.g. When <I>  <see/ hear/ remember/ imagine>

 <description of what happened without evaluation>

Feelings: identifying the emotional response triggered by the observation. These centre on emotional or physical sensations and must avoid what are called ‘victim verbs’ that essentially blame statements posed as feelings. 

E.g. of feeling statement: I feel <empowered/ surprised/ devastated>  

E.g. of a ‘victim verb’ to be avoided: I feel <attacked/ blamed/ ignored> 

Needs: Identifying universal needs and values that are either met or unmet, that drive those feelings. Rosenberg explained: “At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled”. These needs are linked to the observation and feeling for specificity.

E.g. Because I <need/value> <belonging/ safety/ growth> 

Requests: Presenting a doable, concrete and specific way that needs can be more effectively met. Alternatively, you might make a request for someone to reflect on what you’ve said. 

E.g. An action-based request: Would you be willing to <concrete and doable action> 

E.g. A reflective request: How do you feel about what I’ve said?

UNCOVER AND CONNECT WITH UNMET NEEDS

The exact order of these steps is less important than the aim, as described by Rosenberg: “Focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging.” Ultimately NVC is a tool to dig below what is happening and immediate reactions to connect with feelings, then to identify met and unmet needs.

NVCs intention of revealing underlying and often unmet needs has a strong connection to human-centred approaches such as design thinking and even agile methodology. Indeed, I originally learnt NVC to be a better parent and was pleasantly surprised that it greatly contributed to my adoption of design thinking years later. 

IN YOUR LATTICEWORK

Nonviolent communication can be used to address conflict, foster connection, and finding win-win solutions through empathetic based communication. 

It focuses on empathising to uncover unmet needs makes it a great foundation model for Design Thinking, including Empathy Maps and Journey Maps. The fact it aims to build a connection makes it a complementary model to Cialdini’s Principles of Influence. And it’s ability to support win-win solutions can make it an alternative to negotiation based models such as BATNA & ZOPA. 

Finally, NVC can be a challenging approach to learn and apply, especially given that our society does not prioritise a broad vocabulary to express feelings and needs, so it can be quite effortful to apply and even sound a little robotic when getting started. That classifies it as a complex skill, which will benefit from Deliberate Practice to embed effectively. 

Actionable Takeaways

Identify and describe the triggering event or situation without judgement. 

Create a shared reality with someone, or for yourself, by describing the triggering event without blame, judgement or analysis. Think like a detective for this stage: ‘Just the facts’. 

Explore the feelings that were triggered — for yourself and others. 

Identify the feelings you are experiencing as a result of the triggering event and be open and curious about feelings might be coming up for the person you are engaging with. 

Dig deeper to consider the met and unmet needs below the feelings, separate them from requests. 

Consider what needs are behind these feelings and avoid confusing them with requests. 

Make a request to meet your and other people’s needs. 

Consider what concrete, doable action might help to meet those unmet needs. Express it clearly as a request. 

Maintain presence and empathy throughout. 

Rather than viewing this as a stepped process to tick off, ensure that you are present, maintaining empathy — for yourself and others — throughout. The point is to deeply connect with yourself and others, so you cannot afford to simply ‘mechanically’ walk through these steps.